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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. 
~ Erma Bombeck 

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. 
~ George Burns 

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. 
~ Marilyn vos Savant 

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. 
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor 

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? 
~ Phyllis Diller 

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. 
~ Emo Philips 

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. 
~ Lily Tomlin 

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. 
~ Woody Allen 

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. 
~ Stephen King 

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. 
~ Steven Wright 

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. 
~ Warren Buffett 

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. 
~ David Letterman 

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. 
~ W. C. Fields 

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. 
~ Imelda Marcos 

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. 
~ Joe E. Lewis 

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. 
~ Paula Poundstone 

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. 
~ Fred Allen 

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. 
~ Stephen Fry 

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. 
~ Samuel Goldwyn 

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. 
~ Mitch Hedberg 

 failed to make the chess team because of my height. 
~ Woody Allen 

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. 
~ Frank Sinatra 

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. 
~ Rodney Dangerfield 

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun. 
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger 

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. 
~ Charles M. Schulz 

I have never been hurt by what I have not said. 
~ Calvin Coolidge 

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. 
~ Elayne Boosler 

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. 
~ Robert Benchley 

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. 
~ Rodney Dangerfield 

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. 
~ Steven Wright 

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. 
~ Joan Rivers 

I like children - fried. 
~ W. C. Fields 

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 
~ Fred Allen 

I like marriage. The idea. 
~ Toni Morrison 

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. 
~ Rodney Dangerfield 

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. 
~ Walt Disney 

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. 
~ Bob Hope 

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. 
~ W. C. Fields 

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. 
~ Will Rogers 

I never said most of the things I said. 
~ Yogi Berra

  Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. 
~ Mae West 

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did. 
~ Bette Davis 

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. 
~ Mark Twain 

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. 
~ Fred Allen 

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. 
~ P. J. O'Rourke 

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. 
~ Steven Wright 

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. 
~ Hesiod 

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. 
~ Jay Leno 

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. 
~ Robert Benchley 

Electricity is really just organized lightning. 
~ George Carlin 

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. 
~ Jerry Lewis 

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. 
~ P. J. O'Rourke 

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. 
~ Milton Berle 

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. 
~ Victor Hugo 

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. 
~ Bill Cosby 

Food is an important part of a balanced diet. 
~ Fran Lebowitz 

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. 
~ Cathy Guisewite 

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. 
~ Mark Twain 

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. 
~ Mark Twain 

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. 
~ Naguib Mahfouz 

 rant, therefore I am. 
~ Dennis Miller 

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. 
~ Jay London 

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. 
~ Groucho Marx 

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. 
~ Paul Lynde 

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. 
~ George Burns 

I think serial monogamy says it all. 
~ Tracey Ullman