I Love You, But I Never Loved You

by Gousia Sultana

“Far across the distance and spaces.. between us.... I am on titanic. Wow... beautiful BLUE sea... My visit to this island is awesome. I m roaming about in the cruise.. Suddenly some one opened the door with a "thud..." Oh My!!! All this, is just a dream???? or is it a "The dream..." Nah..!!! Wat ever.. Today is the D-day!! I'm a bit tensed n excited... All my friends from other college said.. This Day Thwy Wil mess your life. Last night i had nightmares.. But!! how could I get such sound sleep???? hmmmm..am I trying to be bold..!! Wat wil my brother say, if he gets to know that I am afraid to attend the party.... NO..No!!! I'm nt.. am a grown up now.!! I hope the personnal doesnt leave the scapegoats with those beasts...chuckle chuckle...!!!! oh Damn!! its already 9. gotta get ready..... Off i went from the bed.. Landed in my washroom..and started making up my day with fragrance.... Next question in my mind..Wat should i wear??? A funky party animal dress... or a good school goin boy kind dress??? I better go with the latter one...come on Kaushik...be a man and get dressed up quickly!!! My brother is almost set to start... I think its a better one to go with him... (He prays God and off he goes.....with his brother) Ufff!!! Finally i reached the venue... I hope i dnt come across those man eaters...!!! Lolzz (He meets all his fellow mates.... greeting each other.. They all wait outside the venue. waiting for rest of those late comers..) Jag: Oh Gosh!!! Look at them we have huge number of chicks flocking towards the venue...Yahoo!!! Kaush: Hmmmm... Sag: yeha.. I like the one in pink... Kaush: oh GOd!!! Hw can these fools roam about gals??? i jst hate it.. I wonder how people get attracted to gals..Thank God!! m not in such messs.... Jag: Lets go guyss.... Follow these Gals.... Kaush: Uffff..again!!! Wow.. The Banquet seems to be very cutely decorated... Wow!! They surely did it heartfully... Welcome Freshers...!! I can see.. all Senior gals..Flaunting their newly draped sarees... Senior Sirs all dressed like Boses!!! Wow!! m glad I dint miss This opportunity THey organising some fun shows.. My classmates performing dance and drama...Lolzz!! My neighbour, all eyes on the girl sittin in the next row... I still wonder Why do people fall in love?? Is it kind a Virus or something which effects the life of the person horrbily. Why do only boys fall prey to girls first.. why do girls care a damn for boys??? All these silly teeni-meeni thoughts .. Suddenly...!! chuckle chuckle..!! Rao(to his neighbour): Hey.. I guess something wrong with this Kaushi.. Lolz!!! His eyes aint attracted to even a single Gal... All Those remaining romeos Laugh out for those silly pranks... I laugh within myself...Duh!" You silly Dogs... Even I admire the beauty of girls.. atleast I'm not as mad as you fools...!!" one Thought struck in my mind.. " Am i really not intersetd in girls??? nah..!! I remember.. Last week i saw a gal at TTD. She was good.. But was total flamboyuant.. I am not interestd in such girls.. and the other one is..one at the OUTPOST.. Wow!! she was pretty good.. Bold Eyes.. Brown Hair.. hmmm... " I can get the flash of that girl..." Chuckling around... i even followed her to her house.. Wow!! That means i am perfect.. Nothing's wrong with me...." THe Entire Drama of this poor soul is within himself.. an amateur lad... Knowing nothin about the world.... With a blank mind and jst a Winsome Smile on his face.... He was enjoying the Bash.... His Soul,as pure as mother's Love.. Until The next moment....When I saw one of the God's Finest Mistakes.... A Slender Girl with Shining Hair..Dazzling eyes...Drapped With BLUE color Saree..takes the ramp. .... My senses got struck with that Flash.. forgot about the, so called..OUTPOST Charming Lady... I Felt, I am Born that Very moment...I felt..I was mesmerised..I Could see nothing..except the charming Girl...!! Three minutes from then.. I was totally blank... Oh My!!! Ravishing Beauty.. I should quickly pass this message to my friends.. I Want them to compliment the beauty of that pretty Girl.. Kaush: Hey U Guys... Guess Wat!! I came across the Most beautiful thing I've ever seen... Friends: Chatter..Chatter!! Kaush: I'have seen one of the most beautiful girls in my life. Her beauty seems to be extremes. I Pointed them to the God's Finest mistake... They seem to be not much attracted by her charm... and they started pulling my leg. Jag: WOw!!! You cal this a beauty??? Lolzz!! We have double the times beauty upfront our eyes.. and u cal that thin lean chick a beauty???? LOL!! Kaush: May be she is not beautiful but the Charm on her face is not seen anywhere in this crowd... For my eyes she is the Limelight for this Bash. She is so simple, yet so elegant... I tried defending my self by praising the angel i saw for the first time in my life... End of the Day... Had A great time enjoying with my seniors... and i totally forgot about the stunning beauty,as I dnt show much interest for girls.... Four days from now.... I dint get even a single thought of that girl......I was Still the same.. I still hate people being in love. I feel its waste of time and cheating on parents by doing nasty things without their knowledge. I bunked The college one day... Got into the bus..and slipped away to watch a movie... Loads of fun all around... and i wonder. how am i so pure at my heart... I find jealousy,hatred al around me.. and I am still the same.. Nothin seems to be effecting me.. I am Defintely proud of being myself. Day -2: Lazy Day again..Wake up early.. Get freshed and off I go to The College My College bus..Always a colorful one..All time DTS sounds coming out of it... and the weather seem so clear..cool breeze travelling with us..slight drizzle!! Wow man.. This is Life.!!! I sat at the Window place. To enjoy the nature. Truely the scenic beauty on the way to my college is really awesome. Bus stopped at one of the junctures to pick our fellow students.. and it moves again.. I heard a girly Voice with strong accent.. "Excuse Me!!" I looked at the person talkin to me so politely... Oh Damn!! She is the girl i saw at my freshers..!!! I almost mumbled before i could speak anything... She asked..if anybody is occupied with the next seat.. I just nodded my head with a sigh.. She pleasantly sat... and adjusted herself... My heart almost started beating twice the speed of normal pulse.. I was trying to control my mind for no reason.. Thinking to myself.. Why am i getting nervous??? I was controlling my senses.. and then i hear a second voice from her.. Gal: Hey...Can u give me that window place??? I like sitting next to window.. That moment i felt, I can give her my life if she asked for... I offered my place gloriously.. Very Happily she sat down at the window and looked out of the window.. I dint bother to talk to her...As I am Seriously not interested talking to girls... Five minutes from now....She says.. Wat's Ur name???? My Heart started beating thrice the speed than before.. I said.. "Kaushik!!" Gal: wow!! Thats a good name.. I like that name... and Which branch are u from??? Me: Cse Gal : hmm..pretty good.. I dint find u anywhere on freshers day.. Me: I was there.. I saw u. I dint find u in my class til now. which row do u sit in class Gal(giggles): I am your Senior... Oh Damn!!! I have crush on my senior??????????? am I crazy??? may be my friends were right.. I am a bit abnormal..I got crush on this senior??? I felt embarrsaing for few minutes and was just sitting idle.. But the way she spoke with me.. I thought shezz a nice girl.. and was just glad for having crush on her. I took the initiative and asked her... May i know ur Name...??? Gal: Duh!! I dnt have the habit of telling my name to juniors... and how dare u take out your mobile phone when I am sitting next to you... I was shocked to hear such rubbish sentences from her.. I thought to myself. She must be a very head strong arrogant gal.. and i said sorry and hid my mobile inside my pocket I was feeling embarrassed to say to myself I have crush on this arrogant gal... She suddenly took lunch box out...searched for the spoon in her bag... i could find only one book in her bag and a lunch box.. She finally succeeded in reaching out for the spoon... and opened her lunch box.. and started eating like a newly released prisoner. I thought she doesnt have breakfast and is eating her lunch as breakfast.. my heart started pitying her. When she finally told me "I had my breakfast.. I am just trying to taste the curry my mom made.. I Love This curry... " I laughed to myself..This Chick seems a bit crazy.. All the Way she was trying to rag me.. She spoke everything in a arrogant way.. She gave a real wrong impression.. I was delighted I dint reveal to any of my frineds that I Have crush on this insane girl... However, She is not so beautiful when I saw her For the First time.. I agree her Hair is wonderful.. I can grade her Hair as the only asset. Chuckle..Chuckle!!! My First Journey with a girl I had crush on.. Was Totally pathetic!!! I heard People having Crush, enjoy the ride with their Loved ones.. But My Case has gone vice-versa I Wished..I should never sit next to this arrogant girl... Finally,We reached our Destination....I was thankful to God.I wil get rid of this beast. Gosh!!! We reached the colege...so early??? I hardly got to see my time.. My heart started Sinking.. I felt Something is moving away far from me.. I was totally blank out. The Bus stops Suddenly with a jerk... I could see out of the window.. Gang of boys on the parapet. THey all looked at my bus and started shouting out some wierd names... i was Wondering who were they trying to call... To my shock all those brats were actually calling the crush next to me.. Oh My!! Wat a girl Man!!! She is a Tomboy.. Itseems all these guys here are her friends.. She said.."Hey move..I wil get down" I Gave her way and my heart almost slipped out,when she said with a smily arrogant expression.."Come early to the bus and hold on a place for me" ooohh...!! My heart wil full blossom with flowers.. i felt i was flying in the air.. I was so excited and wished it was end of the day... and finally she left and joined the mob of all those brats... I was thinking to my self..why did i feel so glad when she told me to hold a place...Wah!! She is the most beautiful i come across. I walked behind her just to catch a glimpse of her cute smile... :) But she never turned back.. i started praying all Gods to make her turn once... Just to see the simple expression on her face. Some power dragged me towards her.. Woh..Ther's magic round her man.. I pulled myself out of the magnetic force..towards her... and reached my classs... I Forgot about her the entire day...As you know, I am Genuinely not intrested in girls.. But the whole day I ws thinking to myself what could be the name of that arrogant Senior Girl. I was trying to recollect those names , boys were shouting out in the morning.. But all my memory couldn't fetch the answer.... It was break time now and we were out to have look on the outside world of our college... I suddenly heard a weeping out loudly... All girls .jam packed him and started shooting questions on his sadness.. He never replied anything except.. Trying to say out some name and some cursing for that name.. I Wonder even Boys are timid these days..This guy looks very handsome but seems very sensible in nature..I thought i should give him some moral support. moreover he sits in front of me for exams.. So,its always a good idea to share his ideas now,ultimately he wil save me in exams!!! Lolz!! I went and asked him.. What happened??? he replied..."Ali..."!! I never understood wat is that... I asked what happende?? Did Ali rag u??? he nods his head and again says..."Its not Ali...." "Alisha....!!!" My sense has become so strong... It provoked me very strongly.. Its Your Girl Crush!!! I Loved the name so much....I left the girl(weeping) and went back to my place to recollect the beautiful name... Alishaaa....Alishaa...Alishaaa...Alii!!! Wow...God is really great!! How could she get such a beautiful name.... I'm so glad have crush on such a beautiful named Girl.. The Pessimist side of me..said.."Hey dude confirm if its ur Girl or not!!" I thought..Yes!! I should confirm...Went back to my roll number 11. asked him to show me the Girl and i wil fix her right!! Roll No. 11: The one who sat next to you today morning... :( :(. How on earth can a man hurt his own heart!! I was dumb struck and tried to slip away from him... I never got angry on her.. On the flip side the devil inside me provoked to learn what she did to him... I quicky rushed to him and asked him...Wat is the Flash back... He was feeling so embarrassed to say.. I giggled within myself,She must have done something wrong with this poor soul... I never gave up..and bugged him to reveal his past... LOLz!! Roll No.11: I was on my way to library, There ws a herd of these beasts halting every passerby.. I calmly tried to slip away... A female voice suddenly stopped me saying.."Good Morning Handsome Junior Sir!!!" I knew they were calling me..So I still continued to walk fast..where in I got caught between those beasts.. One woman, army was there and they dragged me in.. I said..I thought our freshers is done So there would be no ragging..That is why i tried to rush away.. GaL in the mob(Goon): Ok..Forget it..Just clear this sily doubt.This is not ragging anyways... and I wil make sure no body ever tries to harm u...If u give wrong answer then forget about all your Lab exams... Holy crap!!! She is really a Goon... Roll No11: Yes Ma'am ask me and I wil try to answer you. Goon: Ok my Dear!!! just tel me this simple thing.. Why are you so handsome...??? Roll No.11: Ma'am I am not handsome..I dnt know. Goon: Who the hell says You are not handsome...Being a Girl I compliment,You are handsome. now,quickly tel me why are you sooo handsome... Roll No.11: Sorry ma'am.. I dnt know Goon: ok buddy ...then forget about your exams..You may rest in peace now. I wil make sure you dnt clear your exam.. She even Said..,My Name is "Alisha..." Plz go and complain to HOD,If u have guts!! and my dear Handsome..If HOD gets to know anything wrong about me...Then I wil make Sure You are no longer Happy in this College..Please Go ahead and decide destiny. Lolz!!!! Roll No.11: This Is what happened..If I complain She might do anything..If i Dnt complain She wil make my exams flunk...please Help me Kaushik...What shoul I do now?? haahah...My guess was Right She is that chweet goon... Wat a Girl!!! I tried to console him.."nothin wil happen..Seniors just try to threaten juniors.. She is a nice girl..Nothing will happen to your exams.." On the other Side.. My Heart was flying....Ooooohh!! Wat's Wrong with me.. Why am i feelin so glad..hearing about her.. I was thinking to myself.. I wish I was there in place of this Roll No.11. I would atleast get to see her simple expressions....Atleast i could get to hear her name.... Lucky soul...Roll No.11 It was end of the day.. All the day I ws thinkin of her beautiful name.. Saying again ang agin to myself... Alisha...Alishaaa She is relly beautiful... I rushed so early to the bus.. and held a two seater for both of us... My eyes were waiting eagerly for her... After sometime..I could see her coming with her gang of goons.. I laughed to myslef... The closer she was coming towards the bus.. The more nervous I became.. I was waiting her get into the bus..and it was almost the time when the buses got ready to move.. She was still gossiping with her frineds... i couldnt control myself and called her out.... "Buses are about to move...!!!" She smiled and said... "Do I need to take your permission??? I am goin in other bus.." I was lost with her reply.. I became so furious... How could she do this to me.. All the while I held a place for her and she just made it simple b saying she is goin by other bus...I thought i should never ever talk to her.. I was totally hurt with her behaviour... I dint even look at her again..and i shut the window pane.. All the way...i am feeling so guilty to say.. I have crush on such a headstrong girl... She thinks She is very beautiful...There are more than hot chicks in my class.. What If she is a senior... She doesnt have any right to hurt the feelings of others... i wil never ever see her dirty face again... My Story doesnt seem to hve any start or end... Last night i was thinking to myself...i am a good Boy..How can i go mad for a silly girl..what If my paretns and frineds get to know about my nasty thoughts...I am seriously not interested in girls..I dnt even know what kind of Girl is she..But the way she looks.. I am sure.. she must have had affairs with 2 to 3 guys... i better stay away from Fire and Girls...both ruin the lives... I became so strong and decided to stop of tihnking of her.. I started hating her....All this while i was Praying God to keep her away from my sight..I tried to forget her Beautiful name.. Kept my self busy in the college.... but the arrow of cupid hit me so strong.. Even if i could control my mind...my heart always got attracted to her..i promised to myself,I wil just see her once a day.. and i wil think of her just twice a day for ten minutes of time.. Days passed by....and the time frame of thinking about her reached to 1 hour.. and to see her.. almost ten times a day... As the saying goes.. Rules are meant to be broken!!!! Lolz!! i spent two years..just seeing her... I still remember her college Bag., saturday dresses,Her Hair style which often changed...Flicks of hair falling on her cheeks...her friends,roaming abouts in the college and her masti... A tomboy with girly attire....A very rare sight to see.. God!! She is the most beautiful...I am glad I have crush on such a ravishing girl.. I hardly spoke twice with her... I never showed interest in talking to her.. As,Everybody knows..I am Ain't interested in Girls!!! Just with these reimissences..I am now a super senior for my Sub juniors... August is in season....One of the best things happened in August!! Its my Birthday".... I felt this year Birthday is very special for me... I ws thinking to myself...Why am I so excited for this birthday??? My soul pulled me to a store.. and made me buy a Diary Milk chocolate... I was wondering...."why am I buying???" Later i realise..Its for my Crushy crush...!! oooohh.....May be that is the reason this birthday seem so special.. I reached the college...but I dint even have a glimpse of her...I am genuinely not interested in girls...and especially m not interested in Afrose... It was recess time..and my soul got activated agian..pulling me towards her.. I went upto her and offered my heart...(chocolate). She greeted me and shook hands and took the chocolate away.... Wowowo!!! I wouldn't ask anything more than this..Even If santa claus asks me for a wish..i wouldn't ask anything..... She is the most beautiful...God's finest Mistake!! :P I reached home...and recollected my day... Wherein, My heart started blossom with flowers... I thought to myself for a moment... "Am I in Love????" Nah!! i can't...I am a very good boy.. I am proud of myself.. being called"MAN WITH A GOLDEN HEART!!!" Lolzz!! I cannot get into such mess... I just have crush on her..She is the most beautiful I have ever seen.. well...I can grade her hair as the only asset...!! lolz!! However,She is not so beautiful as my class tanvi... Woh!! all boys in college drool seeing her.. And I am glad..i never looked at her.. so,the bottom line is..I am a good boy and i can never do such tihngs... i quickly decided and became very strong..I should never ever think of her... I slept hard...whole night.. the only thing I could dream about is...Her hand shaking,her birthday wish and her name... I wonder who is that girl I am thinking about... !! From autum to winter...Seasons changed,but my mind never changed...I always thought to myself i dnt Love her... I was praying my heart not to think of her.... I am outright and I dnt show interest for girls.... Its already Jan.."A new year with new resolutions..." my new year resolution was not to get into any mess... and just to go on with my life. and days passed by.... When one Day... i meet her in the lobby... Alisha: Hey Kaushik... Howzz u. As usual..i am dumbstruck again... I started mumbling and stammering.. Me: Hai!! howzzz life treating you Alisha: nothin much to say dude... Wi ll miss college aftr somedays.. so gettin worried :( "Damn!! I totally forgot.. Its goin to be hardly for few days.. I can see her.." Me: are.. you sure?? you wont come agian to college??? Alisha: Nope.. today is my last day with college ... and i would be coming to report about my project work. Anyways..Wil meet ya guys for farewell... Me: Yeah...!! but..if I want to see you... She gave some frowning expression and left... My heart totally sunk... she is leaving me... she wil go very far from me.... Do I Love her?? i started missing her from that very moment... !! Days passed.. and I still have the same feeling for her... She is moving away from me... I couldnt see her anymore in the college...but my eyes always searched for her.. My patience became so strong.. I looked for her every one hour in the college... i just wanted to see her once...just once I want to see her waving pony, just once I want to see her smile... She left me alone...She took all the happiness I got from her.. and Do I really love her?? The Farewell day: I am no more the same... I am not intereseted in any girl on Earth,Except her!! recollecting my first look on her.. i am chuckling!! My wait for her finally ended, When she entered,draped in beautiful blue Saree...woh!! My conscious got blowed... A sudden feeling of happines... The same saree..The same attire... she is the most beautiful...!!! i greeted and welcomed her... i spoke with her somethin.. my mind totally got lost.. I couldnt leav her.. my soul was loitering around her.... the whole day I was just looking at her... I could see her in my eyes... She is my fair lady!!! Every one, including her enjoyed the farewel treat..except me!! The ended and finally she payed good bye to all her frineds... When I finally took a chance and spoke with her.... I offered her a beautiful Tulip! Alisha: Thank u for the flower... Me: Can i atleast know your name now??? Alisha: I dnt have the habit of telling my name to a JUNIOR!! Lolzz She smiled and left her presence.....while I was still in her world... I strongly felt.. I dnt Love her and just have a strong crush on her.... I could control my feelings...!! she is a sweet girl with bindaas attitude. Weeks passed... And i was very happy even without her in the college... May be this is called crush... We are all done with our exams.. and my seniors passed out of the college!! and I never missed her... When fianlly i met her once again in he collge. alisha: Hey kauhsik... Howzz u I Lost conscious. Me: i am doing good... Alisha: Yeah!! This is my last day with our college.. I am Leaving vizag.. i got a job in a MNC. I am half dead by now Alisha: Wat happend?? are you not happy?? i couldnt speak anythin... my mind was totally blank... and then some things came out of my heart... Me: Alisha... Please hold a seat for me next to you....... I gues She recollected those words she once told me... Me: do you know one thing??? I Love you...!! but I never Loved You. Me:before you want to say somthing... I neer knew I was in love with you... I love you.. you made my day..every time I see you.. I fell more in love with you.. now that i know I Love you..i wil never let you go away.. I know you are confused... and you must be thinking this Is just a crush and it wil end as you leaving the college.. But ..This is the start for me... i love you now and i wil Love you for ever. And I wil marry you!!! now, she is dumbstruck and I know she really has a very good impression on me... Seh spoke nothing and just left the place...with a very cute smile.. which boosted up my confidence level to get her I decided...She is the only one I am interested in.. I wil win her at any cost.and I wil occupy the palce next to her!!!! Now i realise... I Love u,But I Loved You.