Letters To Him

by Alexandra Landry

Everything i wish i wouldve said

On Sat, Jan 8, 2011 at 10:46 PM, Alexandra Landry wrote:

November 4, 2010
Dear Zac, 
I am so distraught right now. Everything is over and I can’t fix it. There is nothing left to say, nothing left to look at. All I have are these memories of you. I find some terrifying because they remind me of how I will never see you, but I also find them comforting. My memories are the only place you still live. I despise myself for this. I will never forgive what happened. Fury is the only emotion that constantly fills my heart and I wonder if it will ever leave me. I feel so opposite to everything I felt this summer. 

I can’t ever remember feeling happier than I was last summer with you. I can still recall exactly what you wore on our first date, exactly how you smelt, and exactly how I felt. I was so determined not to like you though because of how careful I am with my heart. I knew this would happen, I knew I would be going away to college and everything logical was screaming at me that what we were doing, falling in love, had to stop; but I guess sometimes the least logical paths in life are the most intriguing to follow. For some reason, I just couldn’t find the courage to stay away from you. You are so breathtakingly handsome. I can’t get past your perfect smile or your ocean blue eyes. I can actually remember the first time I really looked into your eyes. We were at your sister’s summer basketball game. I told you that it was just hot in the gym and I was dehydrated when you caught me from falling on the floor. Honestly though, my knees buckled in that very moment. I was mesmerized by your eyes; they held so much beauty and mystery. I wished then, that I could be that one girl who unravels every secret you held in your heart. 

I am so angry with myself lately for getting so close to you. I am so angry with myself for getting so attached to a relationship that was so out of step with the world and with my life. What was I thinking? I was going to college, all we had was the summer and I knew instantly that the feelings I felt for you went so much further than the beautiful sunshine season. 

I told you at the beginning of all of this, in the start of June that all I wanted was to have fun. I wasn’t looking for something serious, but I didn’t want to get my feelings hurt either. I must not have been very convincing when I said this. I didn’t convince you or myself. I think we should face it though; it’s hard not to fall in love with someone you spend every day with.

Everything about not being with you hurts, and I blame both of us for this pain. There are so many things I wish I could’ve said to you before everything just ended, but I guess all I can say now is that I love you and I’ll be seeing you. 

Always & Forever

February 4, 2011
Dear Zac, 
We were exactly 18 years old. How on earth were we supposed to have every answer to life’s secrets? I still cry myself to sleep knowing that I won’t ever see you again like I used to. I’m too young to feel so miserable. I am too young to feel this pain and loss. I still have so much life ahead of me and so many things to accomplish. I’m living like a zombie without you. Everything in my life is a blur. Every day seems to be a constant struggle to get out of bed knowing I won’t talk to you that day or any other day. I seem to feel extremely tired all the time too no matter how much sleep I get. I never felt tired around you. We used to spend all day together at the beach with my family, go to your house to have dinner with your family, I’d leave at 11 or so, and after I’d leave we’d still talk to each other on the phone until about three or four in the morning. I’d wake up at eight the next day and feel as if I had never been more rested. You made me feel so alive. I felt like there were never enough moments to spend with you even though we spent almost every second together. 

I can still recall the moment I truly fell in love with you. It was July 29 and we had gone tubing with my uncle on Cobossee Lake that day. My uncle was driving extremely fast and I had lost my grip on the tube. I was starting to fall off; you grabbed my arm, and looked me straight in the eyes then said, “I’ll never let you fall.” It was so perfect. I know that I’ll remember it exactly as it was for the rest of my life. I know it probably sounds silly, but, in the moment, you said it with such sincerity and strength I couldn’t help but lose every defense I had. 

I ask myself every night and just hope that maybe you felt the same way about me in that moment, but I can’t help but doubt your feelings now. You left me here all alone with nothing but your old football sweatshirt that doesn’t smell like you anymore because I’ve worn it so many times. I try so hard to remember that smell, to remember you exactly as you were this summer. 

I really do hate you sometimes for leaving me. There is this weight I have on my heart that I can’t lift by myself. I feel so heavy and below sea level all the time. I wonder if you ever feel this way wherever you are. I wish I knew where you are. I just wish you could hear me say that I’m with you wherever home may be for you right now. Those words probably don’t have much meaning to them now though, now that we’re not together. I still love you though and I’ll be seeing you. 

Always & Forever 

May 4, 2011
Dear Zac, 
I’m a strong person. I’ve always prided myself on that, but why is it that I’m still so broken? I still walk around this big campus and constantly see things that instantly remind me of you. You are like some kind of depression drug that I can’t get myself to stop taking. No one on earth can get me to stop. I look at all of our pictures sometimes to remind myself of all the good times we had, but in the end they just make me sadder. 

Everything I used to love just doesn’t matter without you and I’m sure that sounds pathetic. I’m so sorry for needing you this badly. All of this hurt is exactly why I was so determined to dislike you when we first met. I never imagined it might hurt this badly though, or in this way. I thought that we’d just breakup. I never expected this. 

I replay the moment you told me you loved me in my mind at least two or three times a day. The memory comforts me when I feel most alone. I still taste you on my lips when I remember the moment. We were outside and the moonlight was framing your face so perfectly, and as you bent in to kiss me before I drove home it was different. I could tell by how nervous it seemed, you were trembling and as you broke away you whispered my name. I began to get nervous and anxious; I wasn’t sure what was happening. I whispered your name back quizzically and then you whispered mine again. You paused for a half of a second which felt like a millennium then whispered those beautiful, fateful, dangerous and intertwining three little words to me. You said, “I love you.” 

I choked up in that exact second. I wasn’t even sure I had heard you correctly. I had wanted to tell you those same words for so long and now that you had finally said them, I was in shock. I felt myself fall into your arms and whisper back, “Zac, I love you too.” The next moment I felt myself being spun in the air from your happiness. I felt your entire body relax and when you bent in to kiss me it was magic. There was so much passion and desire that it overwhelmed me. It was as if our hearts beat in the same rhythm that night. Hollywood could not have planned a better moment. 

This is the most powerful memory I have of you. It will linger with me as others will forever. This makes me happy to remember it, but sad to know that I’ll never get a chance to make more memories with you. I still love you so much Zachary. I’ll be seeing you. 

Always & Forever 

August 4, 2011
Dear Zac, 
I love you. I love you. I love you. There, I said it three times, I’ve heard that in some cultures when a person says something three times, then it becomes permanent, it means forever, and that’s exactly how I’ll always love you. It’s taken me this last year to be able to admit accept that I will never see you in this life again, but now I feel excited knowing that I’m going to see you in the next one.

It has been exactly a year since that fateful car crash. I am still so sorry. I know that it was an accident now and that it wasn’t my fault. I just feel bad for your family that I was the last person to be with you before you left this world and went to the next. I’ve spent this last year being angry with myself for loving you so much and for being the person to end that. I wish it would’ve been me and not you though. I remember seeing bright lights coming at us from the passenger side window and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the hospital. The nurses had put your necklace on my bedside table, and that’s how I knew that you weren’t waking up with me. It was the saddest moment of my life. I realized that I’d never be with you again, never see you smile or witness those beautiful eyes light up with excitement again. 

My summer is coming to a close and I must say that I don’t feel as weighted like I used to. I’ve spent so much time being upset this past year that I haven’t appreciated what I still have in this world. This summer has helped me to realize this. I now know that even though you may not be with me physically, you’re still with me spiritually. The things that remind me of you used to make me sad but when I see them now it’s as if you’re sending me a sign from wherever you are in the sky to let me know that you’re still with me. I smile now at all the memories we shared knowing that no one else was lucky enough to have spent so many amazing days with you. I have never felt more alive than I am right now. I have never felt more aware of every person around me than I am now, and I have never been surer of how I feel than I am now. Every good thing in my life seems that much better, and every bad thing just doesn’t seem to matter. I feel like the only thing tying me to this earth is you.

You’ve taught me more in the last year about life than I could ever have learned by myself. I’ve learned that the hard things in life are the most important to experience because they make a person appreciate all of the good moments that much more. I used to question why I wasn’t taken at the same time that you were and I understand now that I must be meant to do something special on earth. God must have some sort of plan for me just as he has one for you. I love you so much and I know that I will love you every day for the rest of my life. I’ll be seeing you Zachary, and maybe it won’t be now, but the only thing that I am most certain of in my life is that I will see you again in the most eternal place known to mankind; Heaven. 

Always & Forever.