The Hardest Thing I Had to Say

by Unknown

It all started when I was 6 years old. I met a boy while I was playing outside on my farm in California. He was an average kind of boy that you chased and beat up for teasing you. After that first meeting where I beat him up, we kept on meeting and beating each other up at the fence. That only lasted for a little while though. After that, we would meet at the fence all the time and were always seen together there.

I would tell him all my secrets. He was very quiet and would just listen to what I had to say. I found him easy to talk to and I could talk to him about everything. In school we had separate friends but when we got home we would always talk about what happened in school.

One day I told him that a guy I liked hurt me and broke my heart. He comforted me and told me everything would be okay. He gave me words of encouragement and helped me get over him. I was happy and thought of him as a real friend. But I knew that there was something else about him that I liked. I thought of it that night and figured that I loved him as a good friend.

All through high school till graduation, we're always together and I thought it was normal as we were good friends. But I knew deep inside that I really felt differently. On graduation night, even though we had different dates for the prom, I really wanted to be with him. After everybody went home that night, I went to his house and told him that I wanted to see him. Well, that night was my big chance and all I did was just sit there with him watching the stars and talking about our future plans instead. I looked into his eyes and listened to him talk about his dreams. He wanted to get married and settle down. He also said he wanted to be rich and successful. I told him about my dreams and cuddle next to him.

I went home hurt because I didn't tell him how I felt about him. I wanted to tell him that I love him so badly but I was too scared and frightened to do so. I decided to let my feelings go and told myself that someday I would tell him how I felt. All through college, I wanted to tell him about my feelings but he always had someone with him.

After graduation, he got a job in New York. I was happy for him but at the same time I was sad to see him go. I was also sad because I didn't tell him how I felt. Nevertheless, I couldn't let him know then as he was leaving for his big job. Hence, I just kept it to myself and watched him board the plane. I cried as I hugged him for what I felt was going to be the last time. I went home that night and cried my eyes out. I felt hurt that I didn't tell him what I felt for him inside my heart . I got a job as a secretary and then worked my way up to be a computer analyst. I was proud of what I had accomplished. One day, I got a letter with an invitation to a marriage. It was from him. I was happy and sad at the same time. I knew that I could never be with him ever again and we could only be friends from now on. I went to the wedding the next month. It was a big occasion. There was a big church wedding and grand reception at a hotel. I met the bride and him. I fell in love when him again on that day. But I held back so it wouldn't spoil what should be the happiest day in his life. I tried to have fun that night but it was killing me inside watching him being so happy with another person. I tried to appear to be happy to cover up the sadness and tears inside me.

I left New York feeling that I did the right thing. Before I left on the flight, he came running out of nowhere and to say his goodbye and how he was very happy to see me again. I went home and tried to forget about what happened in New York. I had to go on with my life. As the years went on, we wrote to each other about our lives and how we missed talking to each other.

On one occasion, he never wrote back even after a long time. I got worried as I didn’t get any reply even after writing six letters to him. 
Just when I thought he had forgotten about me and everything seemed hopeless, I got a note that said, "Meet me at the fence where we used to talk about things."
I went and saw him there. I was happy to see him but he was heartbroken and sad inside. We hugged so tightly that we couldn't breathe.

He told me about his divorce and why he hadn't written back for a long time. He cried until he ran out of tears. We finally went back to the house and we talked and laughed as we catch up on old times. Despite the good opportunity, I still couldn't tell him how I felt about him. In the days that followed, he had fun and forgot about his problems and his divorce. I fell in love with him again. When it was time for him to go back to New York, I went to see him off and cried. I hated to see him leave. He promised to see me every time he could get a vacation. I couldn't wait for him to come so I could be with him. We would always have fun when we were together.

One day he didn't show up like he said he would. I figured that he might have been busy. The days turned into months and I forgot all about it. Until one day, I got a call from a lawyer in New York. The lawyer said that he had died in a car accident on his way to the airport. It took a while for them to settle things before calling me. It broke my heart to hear the news. I was shocked to know what took place. I realized why he didn't show up on that day like he promised. I was heartbroken again. I cried tears of sadness and heartache that night. He was such a kind man and did not deserve to die so young.

I gathered my things and went to New York for the reading of his will. He left his inheritance to his family and his ex-wife. I met her for the first time since the wedding. She explained to me that he was a good man and provided for the family. However, he was always unhappy. She would try everything but she couldn't get him to be happy like the night at their wedding. When the will was read, I found out he had left me a diary. It was a diary of his life. I cried as it was given to me. I didn't know what to think of it. Why was this given to me? I took it and flew back to California. As I flew on the plane, I remembered the good times that we had together. I started reading the diary and what was written in it.The diary started with an entry on the day we first met. I started to cry as I read on. He had fallen in love with me on that day I was heartbroken. However, he was too afraid to tell me how he felt. That was why he kept quiet and listened to me instead. As I continued reading through more entries, I realized he wanted to tell me about how he felt many times but he was always too afraid to say anything. He mentioned that he went to New York and thought that he fell in love with another person. But the happiest time he had in New York was seeing me and dancing with me at the wedding. He said he imagined it was our wedding. His later entries mentioned that he was always unhappy as he realized he still loves me and hence, he had no choice but to divorce his wife. He said that the best time of his life was to read the letters written by me to him. He finally ended the diary with an entry, "Today I will tell her I love her". The entry was written on the day he was killed. The day I was finally going to find out how he really felt in his heart. If you love someone, don't wait till tomorrow to tell him/her. Maybe that next day will never come at all.