My Story

by Ken Brown

This my story.

In 1973 we moved from the hills of eastern Kentucky back to Louisville. I was glad to see that we were coming back home. The years spent in the hills I didn't care to much for the snobs I went to school with. The best part of Eastern Kentucky was the fishing, you can have the rest. Anyway we didn't move to Louisville, we moved to Shepherdsville. What a one horse town. Sundown the place was dead. It was great to live in a small town.

Well I was fond of the opposite sex. In fact I was perverted even back then. I remember going over to one of my Mom and Dad's friend house and I would sneak into the basement and I found his stash of Playboys and Penthouses, I was in heaven. I tore pictures out, but I really got into reading on how to make Love to a woman. So with that I was ready if the opportunity came.

Well the first girl I liked was Katrina S. I met her in Art class and she was cute as can be. I was nervous when I tried to talk to her. I never did tell her how I felt because one thing I was scared as hell. Plus nobody dates guys who are fat. Yes I was a lardo. So I kept a lot of feelings to myself. I wanted to say "Hey I like you." However I was a big chicken. So I never expressed myself.

Then there was Treasa B. Oh was she good looking. She was a pretty little girl with Braces. For some reason Braces seem to turn me on. I guess it stems from the first girl I ever kissed, Darlene W. You never forget your first kiss. I liked Treasa a lot. Once she was sick and I felt so sorry for her, so I wanted to send her some flowers. That what you do when someone is sick. So I went to the local florist and told them I wanted to buy flowers for a friend that was sick. The suggested Yellow Roses! I said no not Yellow, she has Yellow Jaundice. So I knew girls like roses so I sent a dozen red roses, not thinking about the romantic aspect of sending red roses. I hope I didn't send her the wrong message, even though I liked her. I did take her out once, but it wasn't a date. Just riding around having fun. I never told her how I felt, still a big Chicken. I didn't want to get laughed at.

I got a part in the school play. I was the Rabbi in Fiddler on the Roof. I loved being in the play. You know I am a ham anyway. Well on night during practice I met and fell in love with a girl that took my heart. She was beautiful. She had long black hair and a face that when I looked at her I would just die inside. She was the prettiest girl in high school to me. She told me her name and I knew that she is the girl for me. Her name was and is Timmie. Oh how that name would turn me on. Her voice was like music and her smile would drive me wild inside. I fell so madly in love with her. She had my heart. We dated and we had fun. I had an old beat up Ford Galaxie and it was a POS. However it serve us well. Oh Timmie was all that I thought about. She was the greatest cook I ever met. She used to make me cakes and let me tell you, her cakes were to die for. Made from scratch. Oh how I loved her cakes. I think I gained ten pounds with her. I was so in Loved with her that I wasn't thinking about how to make our relationship better. It was great to be with Timmie. I think she got bored with me.

One day I was at work and she showed up with another. My heart broke. It felt like I was kicked in the chest. Pain filled me and I ran to back room and cried. I heard someone call my name and I tried to straighten myself up as not to look like I was crying. well then I knew that my love of my life had found another. So I gave him her and let her go. I remember the night she told me it was over. I left the farm that night in tears. I still Loved her.

After losing Timmie, I wanted to find someone else to take the pain away. I couldn't. My heart was set on Timmie. So I just looked at other women as just there to fill a void. Well I was unlucky at finding anyone and I was tired of living in Kentucky. Jimmy Carter was president and the country was a mess. No jobs and no hope for me. So I joined the Navy. I wanted to escape from, family, rednecks, Bullitt County and try to get over Timmie. I spent a longer time in boot camp because I was a fat ass. They wanted me to get into shape, ( I was a shape, pear shape, that's a shape right?). So I was put into a group of other lardos and we exercised daily.. I got to where I could run a mile in ten minutes. Well then I finished boot camp and was returning home for a visit. I wanted to fined Timmie but she wasn't around. I was so bummed out that I couldn't see her. I wanted to show off my new look. I was really disappointed when the Navy assigned me to the USS Wabash. I couldn't believe it. Here I was escaping the Kentuckian area and they stick me on the Wabash. When I got to the ship, well I wasn't impressed. It was in the ship yards getting a refit. Turns out she was an oiler. Like a 7-11 on the high seas. We delivered food, mail and fuel to the fleet. So I went through some training on how to work on this ship. 
Well I found myself in a bar close to the ship and I met Sandy G. she reminded me a lot of Timmie. She was a Timmie's replacement. So we dated and I asked her to marry me, but when it came near to time to marry. I backed out. She wasn't Timmie. So after her I just treated women as objects and never really love them. Just gave them what they wanted and really didn't respect them. After all they were sleeping with me. I enjoyed the time I spent in the Navy. Many nights out at sea I would look up into the night sky, see the billions of stars and think about Timmie. I decided that I had to get out and find her. I still loved Timmie. I said a lot prayers and wished on many stars that one day I could see her again. I wouldn't let my love for her die. I would listen to Love songs and just think about Timmie and would want to sing these songs. I did sing and still do and it's always the same. I think of Timmie and I want to bust out in a song. Of course no one could ever hear me, and you won't either. I had my adventure when it came time to decide rather to stay or go and I chose to leave the Navy for a few reasons. One the Navy started letting women onboard ships. Well I didn't want to be involved in that mess and I wanted to return to Kentucky and find her. Where's Timmie?

Well I got out of the Navy quicker than I wanted. My dad died while working on a church, so I was rushed out of the service and went home to a funeral. I was numb at all that was happening around me. When I got a chance to get to the phone I called Timmie's number and her mom answered the phone. I asked to speak to Timmie and her mom said she was in Florida. My heart sank. I felt like I was hit in the chest. I was so bummed. So I finally got a job at a rock quarry and just started to party my life away. I hooked up with some guys at work and I met Barbie.

Well I thought I would give this marriage thing a try. I didn't really love Barbie, but I love her daughter Beth. So we were married and started a family. Well it didn't work out. She slept with another man and I had enough. I still was in love with Timmie. I would often think of her, at work I would sing to her and no one would know because you can't hear over the compressor while I was drilling holes in the rock. We divorce and I had the kids. Great me with three kids and I felt all alone. I did have help and I was just getting really depressed at this time. Plus my lungs were getting worst. I got sick one day and I couldn't hardly move because my back was killing me, then I saw a doctor who sent me to another doctor and that's when I found out that my lungs were in trouble, but I didn't listen. I still wanted Timmie. By now Timmie was becoming a entity that I was starting to put on a pedestal. So while going this period of sickness, three kids and school, daycare and awful social workers. I was going into deep depression and starting to drink more than I really should of. I was drinking a six pack a day and was even starting to knock down a few during lunch. I was a mess. I wanted to escape again. 
Well I knew that the way I was heading was not the road I wanted to travel so I needed to find someone to love. I wanted to find someone who I could love and that they would love and I wanted find a girl that only I could love. Someone that if another man looked at her they wouldn't even think of taking her away from me. So I join this Plus Size singles group. Well I found out that they met a pizza place that has a buffet. How ironic is that? So I went to the meetings and found myself with women that thought I was the hottest thing that ever came close to them. I felt so awkward when I found out that two of these women wanted me bad. Not for a meaningful relationship but for a good time in the sack. I wouldn't sleep with them, because I knew if I did that I would be mark as theirs and that I wouldn't find one that would love me for me and not for sex. I want more than just a sexual relationship. Sex to me, in a relationship is a bonus, I want more out of a relationship. I met Eydie. She was cute. She had a very pretty face. She looked so cute to me. I remember her with the bangs and a ponytail. I thought about how cute she was. So I wanted to date her. She seemed to like the fact I was single and I was raising three kids on my own. We dated. So I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I know she wasn't Timmie, but I knew that Timmie was a pipe dream. Timmie was gone and I needed to live my life and forget her. I just couldn't. I did love Eydie, and to be honest I still do, to some degree. I am sorry that I got sicker and I was always too sick to do anything with her. So we had our problems. One was we never talked. She was too busy talking to her mother and friends and I felt that when we did talk it was always about how wrong I am and not on what was the real problems. Well during the 90's I was getting so depressed that I really was giving up on life. I was ready to die. I felt less than a man. I couldn't do the things I wanted to do. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't take care of anything. I hated to have people do things for me. I was useless. In 1996 we got a computer. There I went and searched for Timmie. I went to Classmates dot com and there I found out that little Timmie Spencer was now Timmie Green. My depression grew. I looked her up and the search results showed that Timmie Green lived only thirty minutes away from me. Well I stalk this woman for three days. I stopped the stalking because I got too scared. I call her just to hear her voice. I quit because I wasn't sure if it was really her. I knew I still Love Timmie, I knew I loved Timmie more than Eydie.

Well in March 2005 I ended up in the hospital again on a ventilator. There I told the staff I wanted a transplant. Jewish hospital jumped at the chance. Well I had the Double Lung transplant on Dec. 2 2005. However Eydie had found another and she cheated on me. She wanted him and I was out. Once they cheat on you, they aren't worth SH*T. They are not to be trusted ever. 
I was forced out of the house and I was homeless. Living in the van. I had no place to go or anyone to help.

I went into total darkness depression. I was at the end that I had a choice to make. Live or Die. It's a scary place to be. To sit in the dark, your world, life has ended and your left to decide if tomorrow is worth waking up for. That night I almost ended my life. I debated if I was ever going to take my med or just sit in my van and die. I looked at my life and wonder what went wrong. I cried out for help. I cried out for Timmie. I cried out and got no response. I was in darkness. I was alone and nobody cared. I wanted to die. So I prepared myself to die. I went and bought myself a case of Budwiser. I was going to drive the van deep into the woods and hide. Drink myself till I died. I wasn't going to take my meds and just in three days I would be a bad memory. Well I got the beer and I found a nice dark place to hide. Now I have spent the week in the van and I was ready. I had talked to myself till I couldn't talk any more. I was now just crying. Drinking one after another. I looked at my medicine and I was ready to pitch them out the window. 
Then it hit me. Wait a minute, nobody is bitching at me. Nobody is telling me about my tone, my voice or anything else. I am not listening to a spoiled bitch telling me how wrong I am. How I don't appreciate my new lungs. I realize that I didn't lose my family. I lost a fat bitch. I don't need her. She can have her illiterate alcoholic pill pushing parasite. A man twenty years younger than her and he doesn't even know how many kids he has or if he is even divorce. I thought about was a dumbass she is. He doesn't love her, everybody knows he is just using her. Hell he is going around telling everyone how bad she is in bed, (I could of told him that), and laughing at her behind her back! Then I realize that I was happy that it was over. Hey I have a new life and no whore wife is going to bring me down. So I poured out the rest of the beer and went to start a new life. The bad part was I would never have the relationship with my son again. So I divorce her slutty ass. Sure I was screwed in the divorce, it was me against her and her parents. I was done dirty, but that's ok. I am free of the them and their bullshit.

So I lived with my mom for a few months and they got tired of me because going through a divorce is hard to deal with, especially when they wouldn't let talk to my son. So I got an apartment and a job and I was feeling good about myself. Well I was once again seeking a friend. I don't like being alone. I like to have someone next to me. I want to feel a warm body next to mine. I want to reach out at night and hold someone next to me. So I join the dating web sites. I met on girl, holy shit what a face. We talked, but damn she had a face that looked someone farted. Well she was good therapy. She let me vent and was great at helping get my life straighten out. Well I joined

I met Jo. What can I say about Jo. Jo is one special woman. She works so hard and is so unappreciated for all she does. I am very fond Jo . I love Jo. She is a perfect fit for me. She has helped me , mentally. She knows me and knows that I am still not completely over my divorce. Jo has a sense of humor that she know how to make me laugh. I can't say enough about Jo because she such a wonderful person. However we kinda grew apart. February 2010, I get a friend request on facebook. My heart jumps! It's from little Timmie Spencer! Oh can it be her? I accepted! Oh can this be real? I have so much I want to say to her, but now I am scared to say anything because I don't want to lose her again. So we did small talk. I didn't want to screw this up. Sadly her mother wasn't doing well and she had to fly back the Kentucky. She gave me her phone number. I was giddy, I was excited. So I called her and she was at the airport in Atlanta. I sounded like a moron when I spoke to her. After we hung up, I yelled what an idiot I sounded like. . I called her because I wanted to ask her out for dinner and she said that she was going to her brothers and I asked if I could call her later and she yes. I called her back and then I asked her if I could take her out for dinner. Oh I was ten feet tall. I got in my car and told Vicky, ( my cars name), we are going to see the Love of my life. I got to Mt. Washington and stopped to buy a dozen roses and on I went to see the woman that I have carried a torch for , for thirty five years. When I got there I was greeted by Erin and I hid the roses behind my back as I stepped in the door. There she was, Timmie. After all these years. Still the prettiest girl in school. My heart jumped. I felt a tingle... I handed her the flowers and wrapped my arms around her and told her, "I let you go once, I will not let you go again". I didn't want to let her go. All these years I prayed and dreamed of holding her in my arms again. Now here she is, in my arms. The tiny flame in my heart that smoldered for years, now was a raging bonfire in my heart. My love was back in my arms and I wanted to keep her forever. So when we were alone I told her the truth. I have loved you for thirty five years and I will never stop loving you. I love Timmie . It's a love that's hard to explain, but I am so happy and I feel my whole life is complete. I will always love Timmie, even if we... I don't want to think of that. I don't want to lose the girl who I have always loved leaving me again. I wouldn't want to live without her. The hardest thing for me to do was to be honest. Be honest to Jo. I didn't want to hurt Jo. I knew deep down I had to. I love Jo, but not the way I love Timmie. So I told Jo the truth. I know it hurt her really bad and feel like a heel. Hell I feel scum. I know what's it's like to be hurt and I didn't want to hurt her. I love Timmie and I had to tell her.

I do love Timmie and everyday I tell her how much I love her. Everyday I tell her how beautirful she is. She is the Love of my life. She is the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. She is my everything. I love to sing love songs to her and express my love to her. I just hope I can make her as happy as I am. She is my one and only, I couldn't live without her. I hope that we can become one. I have a fear of her saying NO, if I ask her the big question. For 35 years I have Loved this woman, I hope to love her for 35 more years.