My Story

by Joan Mandapat

Im just a human.(2009) 

How many have said these words? I guess everybody.

I’m in a relationship right now (well, I think that’s obvious since it was written on my account). And yes I am happy, but you know like any other couples we’ve been through lots of ups and downs and I know there’s still more to come ( hopefully, not an Everest God. J).

I’ve made a mistake before and the very first thing I said as far as I could remember is “I’m sorry, Im just a human”. It was a silly answer to a thousand questions. What happened is…uhm, let’s put it this way, on my way home I got lost or maybe I lost myself. Instead of heading the right way, I turned left-thinking it’s the best way for me. On that latter there’s a feast, everybody is happy, they made me feel like I belong to them. Simply put it, without thinking -that moment I am very glad for choosing that path. I let myself get drowned to what I feel. Let myself savor the special treatment. And let myself feel loved. But then one time, I woke up looking for the same faces I used to see. Nothing… I said I got lost but then again I realize that the situation I was into lost me. Circumstances were starting to make me shiver. Suddenly the happiness is slowly melting. But unlike others who may possibly feel sorry, I don’t have any grudge feeling towards the course I chose. My conscience was bothered yet for sure it is intact up to this moment. Maybe partly it’s because I know in myself, I didn’t hurt anybody intentionally. I didn’t try to filch or walk off with something owned by somebody else (I can’t take that.) And I didn’t cross the red line of moral indignation. On what I did, I only hurt the most - is two people. My man and myself. As I’ve said I have had made a mistake, what’s important is that I recognize that mistake. And what is more important here is, I was forgiven and that our relationship gets through one nasty ordeal.

A year after that test came the biggest wave so far.

I can’t let you go.

Again, how many have said those words? On different situations? I guess...everybody.

I’m not a suspicious person. I never felt jealous.
My man is a good man. People often times judge him negatively because they don’t know him. 
I know he loves me. I don’t know how I knew… I just knew. Sometimes God will give you something you thought you can’t carry. Trust and love are wheels on the life of a relationship - for two people cannot keep their commitment without them. I have faith on that. And those two points is present on us. Like me and anyone else my man committed a boo-boo. But the cut he gave me is deeper and more painful to bear. In this world there are lots of serpents out there. Some will try to harm you. Some may destroy your life. And you know what? I felt like I died when she tried to steal my LIFE. When I learned that there’s something going on, I found myself tasting pain and bitterness for the very first time. Confusions, anger, disgust and a thousand questions rumbling on my mind. When I ask him, he just cried. That was the very first time I saw him crying. Not a teary eye but a pool blood shot eye. I’m not stupid.
I know in my heart his cries meant something but I’m not sure if it was for me or for what he had done. At the end I decided to call it quits but he said “I can’t. I cant let you go.” Have you ever tried making a decision you know na that choice is the right thing to do yet you can’t find a bit of pleasure on it? It’s depressing. I can feel my heart is longing for him. I give in. But again it failed. Forcing a plant to stay alive when you know its dying is the hardest job anyone can offer. You will get sick... Those moments you will think that if you’ll die someday hope it would be in a snap…not in a slomo -making you feel every wound in your body. Well I guess God gave me a big heart. J I got thousands of reason not get to get back and cling on. In contrary, I only have one question to thaw out that vast number…How can I let go of my happiness? I fought for him…

Now we are on the same road. Humming the same love song. Laughing with each other.
Dancing in the rain. My heart is beating only for one man. His heart is paired only to one woman. I believe what happened is meant to come to us, to make us grow stronger and mature. Come to think of it, Now, I feel like thanking the serpent for trying to ruin us. I am hypocrite If I say “It” doesn’t appear on my mind anymore, it does. But the fact that I already woke up from a nightmare made me tougher to brush away bad thoughts. I’m happy; in fact I am very happy right now. Some may question: “For How Long?”… My answer to that is “I don’t know…Maybe as long as I can call him mine. :)” When you love, it doesn’t matter who or what he is and when you get hurt, it doesn’t matter how much ache you got. You know what matters? It’s what is in your heart.

I think my fondness in happy ending is about to come into my life. ;) Nothing wrong in dreaming ayt? Hola!!! Tam tida di dam…………-Joan Mandapat