A Love That Was Sealed In My Heart

by Sweetzel Taayan

I’m Bradella but my friends call me Brandy; I am 14 years old and a sophomore. I am the average kind of girl; I’m not popular however I got good grades in all my subjects. But honestly I hate school. I only have few friends whom I can trust; I am not new to my school hence I’ve been studying there for 8 years since my first grade. I’m just not the out-goer type, I am shy-I just stay at home during Saturdays and Sundays and even during holidays. I don’t also attend much to parties even if they had invited me.

Let me start my story during the opening of school; I enter my school with my small bag filled with paper, a notebook and a ballpen. It always been like that during first days, we don’t go on with classes immediately, we use that day to introduce ourselves.

I went to my classroom; it’d been filled up with some students I knew and some students which I only knew by faces, I’ve seen them during freshmen years. I went to put my bag on a vacant sit on the center row, and then headed back outside to look for my friends. I saw Eunice one of my closest friends. We talk for awhile until we heard the bell rung signaling for the morning ceremony. We do this everyday-sing the national anthem, and pray. After it the bell would ring again signaling the start of classes.

My adviser was a guy-he is tall, a little bit chubby and white. He seems to be funny and exciting. He introduces himself to us, he is Mr. Valcour, and he’s also our biology teacher.

Next thing, he let us introduce ourselves one by one. The first boy on the first row was the first one. I look at him and listen; he’s one of the coolest guys during elementary years, and of course ‘till now. He changed a lot but still good looking. I knew him but I didn’t know his name. It’s the first we’re on the same class-that’s why.

He’s names is Damian. He also mentions his hobbies-like playing the guitar, one of the best volleyball players in our school varsity and etc. isn’t that cool? I love guitars and I wish I could have one, but frankly-I don’t know how to play it. I love singing, some says I have a good voice-but who knows they just don’t want to hurt my feelings.

I’ve been busy looking at him, and didn’t even realize it was my turn. My teacher called my attention over and over until he came right next to me and pinch my cheeks, yanking me back to the present. Its very embarassing, everyone laugh including my teacher except for him. He just look at me with he’s cold eyes. I force a smile focusing my attention to the class. I stood up reciting my name, my hobbies and some things they didn’t know about me.

After classes I went to my friendss and discussed the things that happened. I told them my story and then they laugh and laugh-but I didn’t feel offended, because after all it was the most embarassing thing that ever happened to me.

A few days later, I’ve developing feelings for him, but I didn’t mind because this happens to me-as a teenager. A new crush-that’s it. But I wonder why it only occurred to me this time when I met him everyday during gradeschool. I didn’t knew the answer but I didn’t bothered to asks my friends though, because some might betray me, so I just kept it as a secret.

I’ve been seeing him everyday, looking at him everyday, stealing glances at him everyday until days turns into months. And these feelings grew deeper and deeper until I can’t hide it anymore. But as a shy girl, I’ve been cautious to all my actions. But now I knew him even more. He isn’t what I thought the first time he look at me. I thought he is cold and rude but no-he isn’t like that at all. He is kind and funny, sometimes we talk and he makes me laugh. We became bestfriends or rather friends…
Or whatever you call it we just became close friends and many had been jealous about it.

Those times when we talk and laugh together –I like it. I even wanted us to stay like that forever but I have to spoil those moments because I have to remind myself about my growing feelings for him. I don’t want to tell him because I’m afraid he doesn’t feel the same way.

One day, he came to me and I saw he’s eyes filled with gloom. I ask him what is wrong and he told me without hesitation that he just broke up with he’s girlfriend-Stella. Stella belongs to the popular girls and she almost had everything I do not have. But the negative side of her is being bossy; she’s been my classmate a few times.

I knew he loved her a lot; our schoolmetes even called them the HS sweethearts. To all our conversations together she was the only subject, so I can’t help getting jealous. I remember one time when I really get jealous that cause me to leave him alone. That was when we are in the library doing our projects together. He was the one who started up the conversation and I was like saying to myself ‘I’m full of this’ and ‘I’m full of that’, ‘could you please stop it’. I stood up picking my things not realizing what I’m doing. He asked me where I am going. And I said I was going to the comfort room. He asked me again, why I need to bring my stuffs in the comfort room. I didn’t know what to say next so I headed to the door leaving him behind. When I opened the door, Stella and her friends went coming in. I didn’t do anything I just let them in first before I can get out. As I closed the door, I look back to Damian as Stella went approaching him.

‘Now that he’s single, maybe you could use this chance’, my mind argues with me, but I didn’t listen. Yes, I might be inlove with my bestfriend but no, I can’t use this opportunity he needed a friend right now-not a lover.

I comforted him, letting his pain fades away, and letting him cry. I was surprised when he said; “you’re the only one who accepts me when I cry. She said, boy’s doesn’t cry because it’s a sign of weakness. Although I didn’t believe her, and I wanted to tell her it’s not a sign of weakness but rather it’s a sign of being real. I cried many times not letting her know, because when she did-she would leave me. So I tried not to cry because I love her. But when I saw her with somebody I felt betrayed and abandoned-.”

“But I’m always here,” I said.

“Yes, you’re always there. That’s why I’m very thankful that I have you.”

I let him continue what he was saying earlier.”-I cried and she saw me. You know what happened next?”

I looked at him, my eyes starting to water but I turned away to wipe them.”She broke up with you” I said slowly and quietly, that I’m not sure if he heard me.

He managed to smile a little; (yeah I guessed he heard what I said).” No, she didn’t…” he said, still tears falling down his angelic face.”…I broke up with her.”

I was shocked; I thought he loved her, why would he break up with her?
Is that really what love is? - To let go? 
“Why?” I asked.

He grabbed my hankerchief into my arms and use it to wipe he’s tears.” I realized she’s not worth it.”

“But you love her.”

“I love her but I also realized its just one sided.”

I gasped and and covered my mouth. “How dare she?”

He just smiled. “I guessed she didn’t love me the way I’d loved her. When I broke up with her she didn’t even cry, I thought she would but she didn’t, however she said ‘thank you’.”

I gasped again. In disbelief I told myself, ‘who wouldn’t love this boy who is ever so loving, caring and honest? Maybe he’s the last kind of good natured boys who thinks love is a precious thing.’

We fell silent for a moment, and then he straightened up and said,” I guess I’ll just wait for the right girl to come, for the moment I will focus to my studies as I wait for her,’

It’s been a while since he uttered that word ‘studies’ he’s been busy wasting his time with Stella the past few months.

I smiled and he smiled back, the kind of smile he gave to Stella everyday, the smile I had been longing since the day I saw him.

The next day he arrives at school early than the usual time he came 5 mins. Before the bell would ring, he’d been late many times.
‘He’s really looking forward to his studies,’ I observed.

After classes we meet at the library to do our homeworks, that’s the only chance we talk and be with each other. Rumor has it that it was because of me Damian and Stella broke up. It begun to spread to the whole campus, but I didn’t mind-as long as I am with him, I’ll be fine, safe and protected.

As days passed, he didn’t talk about Stella anymore nor mention her name once. It made me happy though for some reason it also made me sad, it is as if theres some thing he doesn’t want to tell me, things that kept he’s heart shattering into pieces.

The next day was Saturday; he called me to go out, but difinitely not a date-just going out as friends. I always hesitate when he’s asking me to go out, because I’m not an out-goer-remember. But today I didn’t hesitate nor think twice, I heard the trembling of his voice on the phone-he has been crying. I told him I’ll be there a minute and he said he’ll meet at the park.

I rode a taxi going to our meeting place. I saw him sitting on the bench-alone. I immediately approach him and saw he’s face all red from crying.

I fumbled in my pocket for my hankerchief and offered it to him as I sit beside him. He was relly boo-hooing now, and passerby’s wouls stop and stare at us. He didn’t mind-I to didn’t mind. He started talking about what had happened. He told me he’d seen Stella with that guy again, and admitted he still didn’t get over her. And then suddenly he asked me this question, “If I’m gone will you miss me?”

I stared at him and I can not move. How would I react? He isn’t joking around, he’s serious. I run those words into my mind…

If I’m gone will you miss me?
If I’m gone will you miss me?
If I’m gone will you miss me....?

The things that first came into my mind were, he’s telling me he wants to kill himself or want to far away. Why would he need to run away? It made me cry from the thought itself, I turned around so he wouldn’t notice it.

He looks at me waiting for my response but nothing came into my mouth and it hurts me and made me cry even more.

Love is so unconditional; if only I’ve seen it coming I should have controlled and fought it. This situation is too hard. It’s too hard to stand and to hard to bare. 

When will he ever realized how much I love him? 
Why did I fall inlove with my bestfriend?

We are two people put together, but couldn’t be together due to moral senses. I felt torn and devastated. I had to admit the fact that all he can give me is friendship and nothing more. 

Is this all we`d ever be? Is this all we ever could be?
Why wouldn’t he just choose me, and let me be the one?
Why can’t be the two of us?
Why can’t he love me?

I hate seeing him hurting himself and I hate to ruin this friendship though I love him. 
I love even he loves someone else-someone who doesn’t deserve these tears. She’s not the one who’s always on he’s side when he need a shoulder to lean on, she’s not when he needs somebody to care for him, she’s not there when he feels lonely…

She wasn’t there. She never did.
I was the one who is always there for him. 
I’m the one cares for him for than I care for myself.
Why does he need to feel this way for her?

These where the things I wanted to tell him-but can not.

He continued to tell me something more but I did not intended to listen until I heard ‘dropping and ‘migrating’.

I asked him about it and he said, ‘he’s dropping school and they’re migrating to US’.

My heart started to break apart. US! I don’t think I could get any farther away.
I musn’t cry; letting him get away might be the only way he can get he’s heart back and to let him start again.

I must let him go for the best…
I must let him go to find he’s way-he’s life…
I must let him go to find the better girl for him that will love him and care more that I do…
And I must let him go for I love him and wish all the best… 
Without telling him how much I love him.

Before we went apart he gave me something to remember, a bracelet that he had kept for Stella but hadn’t gave it. He wanted me to keep it and to take good care of it.
So that day we bid goodbye to each other and hug for the very last time. In my mind I said, ‘if we don’t cross ever again-I bid you goodbye…forever, my best friend and my only love. I love you forever.’

Weeks and months had passed since the day he left. And I’m still hoping that someday he’ll come back… and someday…I wish he’ll also feel the same way about me.