Am I A Fool or Is That Love Foolish?

by Riocain Jasmine

Year 2008

I was daydreaming, staring blankly at the stage during school assembly. I could feel a pair of eyes looking at me, I snapped out of my daydreams and met the eyes of a guy sitting in front of me. I probed into his gaze, although it was just a brief few seconds before his friend called him and he turned his head back to talk with his company of friends again, I could feel my rapid heartbeats and a blush came over my face, reddened my cheeks.
That was how I noticed his presence and he, mine. 

I did not make a great deal out of it until I found myself looking forward to school, hoping we would walk pass each other again or even catch a glimpse of him(our classrooms were just beside each other) and eventually started to think about him a lot, sometimes fantasizing the scenerio where we would at least talk to each other and imagined with absurb persistence that we were dating and got married. I could have crushed the sprout of liking, but I did not.

Often, when we were in each other presence, I would feel his eyes. If lucky, I would catch him looking at me and he would, after few moments, cut off our eye contact. There was even once when my friend pointed him out, asking if I know him because she thought he knew me and looked like he got something to say to me. Sometimes, I could see his friends nudging him when I walked past. Etc..Signs began to show, but I'm afraid that I had misinterpreted the signals so I never tell anyone about this(maybe they would laugh at me too as he is good-looking whereas I'm...ordinary). I have low self-esteem issues since young, perhaps it was this reason that I had never let go of him, because the chances of him liking me is the same maybe even higher than the chances of him treating me as another person passing by in his life.
Besides, I had never met someone who can make me feel beautiful with a gaze. I kept a lot of secrets and feelings to myself, but when he looked at me, I felt like im naked. I'm a tomboy, but he was the first person that I wanted to wear dresses for. I read storybooks, I always laughed whenever an author wrote something that went along like this: Although we are strangers, I felt a connection somewhere with him. It like as if we have known each other. 
Now I comprehend that feeling. It's indescribable, and I felt sad because I did not dare to approach him. I do not know how to change our status from strangers to friends. And after graduation at the end of the year, I would not see him again. He never approach either, so we continued this little game of "mind-reading".

year 2009

Tears were one of my companions. I wrote a love letter, hoping I would bump into him at the streets where we would walk every morning to school, at the shopping mall where we would loiter with our own groups of friends after school and I would muster the courage to confess... I even wrote short messages to him almost everyday despite knowing he would not see them. Slowly, all the longing and liking for him turned from happiness to sorrow. I tried to avoid things that would make me remind of him. I hate the pain of knowing I could never get what I wanted to say across to him. I hate having dreams that had him inside with love being the main theme and we were an item. I hate the emptiness upon waking up to find that the one I desired most would never...Anyway, it was a tough year. I went to a new school and even though there are tons of attractive young men, none interest me. In the love aspect of my life, I could only wallow in regret and self-pity. My close friends called me naive, stupid, fool, when I revealed this secret I kept inside me. I even said he probably is the only person I carried in my heart for the rest of my life.

Year 2010

Spenting the whole of last year trying to get over him, slowly his face began to fade from my memory. However, it was like my heart had died. The pain had numbed my heart. He was the first guy I like. All this hurt I put on myself warned me to be cautious on one-sided love and vowed not to be the first to have feelings for anyone. He created facebook recently, and I browse through it. Looks like I have to really move on from the confine of the past. I cried while looking at his photos, appreciating him inside, and how much I miss him. I wondered if he is happy with his life now. I wondered if he is sad like I do after the graduation ceremony. 


I don't know what my future holds for me, if there is a divine intervention. Will there come a day where someone is able to spark the fire in my heart again? 
Maybe the future me would think the past me is foolish and treated this whole thing as a memory to remember, not escaping from it, trying to erase it from my mind.
I did not expected him, not to mention falling in love with him and accompanied with so much struggles of getting over him. 
Who knows, maybe my prince charming would also turn up unexpectedly one of the days(much to how I hated to admit, but admist the dead garden in my heart, there's still this yearning which I hoped it would be fulfilled to bring warmth and bloomed my heart with flowers), a person who loves me and I love without having regrets.
I'm waiting for this beautiful surprise.