Complicated betrayal

by Mali dawson

His name is derrick, and he is gorgeous. he's tall, with dark brown hair and a body of an ancient greece hero. he's a firefighter; a modern lifesaver. when he speaks, my knees go weak. when he laughs, my heart flutters. when he pulls me in, my whole body is consumed by the butterflies bursting around in my stomach. and when he kisses me, it can be described only as the first time you have that epinephrine pumping through your body. it's addicting, he's addicting. i love him like i've never loved anyone else before. there isn't anyone in this world who has ever been in love with a better and more enchanting person; that's what i like to tell myself.

we met during a dinner party that a couple of our close friends were hosting in celebration of their new pregnancies. the party was at their beach house on the shores of a little beach in california. it was dark outside and the stars were shining. dilia, the one of my friends who was pregnant, invited everyone to come and sit on the little chairs she had set up. i was just about to step outside when i bumped into someone. i looked and was face to face with the most good looking guy i saw that evening.

"hey." he said, and that little word led into a conversation that lasted until the end of the evening. we talked outside until the very last second of the party, and as we were leaving he asked for my number.

we starting dating three months later, and it was magical. he was amazing and i was in love.

its now been 4 years later and i've made the biggest mistake of my life.

he asked me to marry him six months ago, and i didn't respond. he asked me why i was acting like i was, and i didn't respond. he asked me if i still loved him, and i didn't respond. i was confused. i was hurt.

i was raped.

it was my friend colby who did it. it came out of nowhere, but he kept doing it. i would talk to him at my second job, and he thought that it was because i was interested in him but i wasn't. when i rejected his advances, he cornered me. he cornered me with his friends. there were five of them, including colby it made six, and only one of me. i'm not strong; i couldn't be able to save myself from one let alone six. i'm only 5"3, 106 lbs. they were all at least 5"11, 190 lbs. i was so scared and i blamed myself. i blamed myself for talking to him. i blamed myself for being raped.

i felt like i cheated on derrick and that i didn't deserve him anymore. i distanced myself away from him.

he has this girl who he's been friends with since before we met, and they even dated for a while before he met me. i guess he had feelings for her still because now, they're dating.

it kills me to see him with someone else, and it especially hurts me to believe that i deserve this. i don't deserve him.

i am nothing.