Why me?

by Michelle moon

My life has beeen a mess from day 1. my mother is a striper (im not judging but thats not a stable family). she had her first child at age 17. she also got prego at 15 but was a miss carrage. i dont know my dad very well. he passed away when i was like 4 or 5. but all i do remember is that he was the nices man alive towards me. i didnt know he was my father when i was young cuz i rarely saw him. he would try to hug him but i pushed him away everytime. i feel very awful knowing i did that and lost him. he was coming back from his girlfriends house and on the way he saw his friend getting beat up. he tryed to help. he pretendd he was unconcense and crawled over to the pay phone and dialed 911. before he could say hello they hit his head with a bat and he died. i heard this on the news. i was heading to my grandmas (he lived there) and my mom was doing my hair. she was yelling at the tv and told me to go in the other room. i sense something was bad so i cryed. i dont remember the funeral but i do remember i was yelling "daddy get out of the crib" "wake up!!". i wouldnt let anyone come near him. i stayed up all night that night. now i am filled up with anger. how can someone do that! just take away someones life! causeing pain in others! i want to find the people who did that to him and take whats they love the most and distroy it. but i would be doing the same they did to me. some times i think why me? losing a love one happens to every one. but really! when i watch tv or see a girl and her father having a great time. i wish i had that. i feel sooo awful for treating him badly. even if i was young! the greatest memory was when he was teaching the song l.o.v.e by nat king cole. i dont even have a picture of him. when he died he got me a birthday present. it was a snow glob with disney charators. i was holding it and my sister grab it and we where fighting over it. i thought she had a good grip on it so i let it go. it fell and broke. i dont know if she was my blood sister (another story) but all i know is i hated her for that. i havent seen her since i was 5. i miss him. i lost contact of his part of the family for sometime but now i saw them last year in may 2011. it was nice and i love it. i havent seen them since but i do have contact. i write notes to my dad and tie them to a hot air ballon and let it go. i am adpoted but i still can connet to my family like i did to my real family. last year i found out i had a litttle sister on his side of the family and she was 10. i rarly talk to her. i get teary eye when people tell me i look like my dad. i think my dad favored me more than my other sister. my mother recently told me a storie that when she told her she was pregnet he didnt belive it was his. when i was born he look like that happyiest man alive and said "thats my baby". and he use to buy me stuff. when i got in contact with my sister her mother said he always talked about me and was wondering what i was doing. i feel glad but sader when i hear this beacause its good knowing i was loved but i am not anymore. ( i will finish my mothers story on a different page )